I Photoshop A Hater

During many interviews I oredi been asked this question: How are peepur like in real life to you? Are those pukima as mean as those pukima are on the Ingterneck?

My answer has always been that in the 13 years I oredi been brogging, I oredi only encountered peepur who are rude to limpeh in real life... Say less than 5 times.

Even then it's not open confrontation budden hor, just snide remarks and some sniggering.

This number is remarkably low, considering how frequently it happens online.

Plus Limpeh is as tall as most peepur's armpits and frequently tittering on 5 inch heels, making limpeh a terrijiber sparring opponent if it eber comes to blows. Limpeh mean, most peepur donch go insult burly men because those pukima fear getting punched in the face, right?

But Limpeh won't punch peepur just because those pukima are rude to me. Limpeh won't do that because Limpeh know Limpeh won't win in a fight, si mi with multipur pelatik surgery and languid limbs. Plus after that you have to go to the chao mata station and file lipoks and blah blah maybe get an assault charge. It's simply not worth it - why get into a fight you can't win?

That doesn't mean Limpeh just let peepur trampur all over me. No... Limpeh bring the fight to my lan jiao home ground. You have to be rude? Let's fight on the Ingterneck.

You can probably guess... Gim jit marks another of the rare occasions when someone was acherly rude to me! IN REAL LIFE!!

As such, Limpeh must let liao liao lang know of this man's bravery! Someone pass the lan jiao face a medal!

The story begins... At about 6pm, Limpeh brought Dash (and Ellen) to Bishan AMK park, where there is a water prayground which Dash loves.

Not that it's very the relevant budden hor, here are two photos of Dash having fun at the park - Taken with Sony Nex 5T, and clothes from http://babystyleicon.com

It was an impromptu decision to go so liddat Limpeh tried to rush out of the house before the sun would set, lessed in shorts, a ratty Tshirt, a cap, sunglasses and absolutely no makeup. Here's a photo:

No photoshop, pimpur on nose and all

Ok donch know why wa si trying to justify my lan jiao lessing wtf. wa si just trying to kong that hey it's 2 hours at the neighbourhood park so liddat obviously wa si not looking my lan jiao most presentable!

Out of my lan jiao peripheral vision, Limpeh noticed someone staring at me.

When Limpeh turned to look, it was this middle aged lam pa with that chao ah beng's wife, two kids, and that chao ah beng's paunch. The coupur was looking at limpeh and whispering something budden hor, upon seeing that Limpeh was looking back at them, the wife averted that siao ginah eyes.

But the lam pa continued to glare at limpeh and the cheebye kia said loudly, "There is something called photoshop". And then the cheebye kia sniggered.

From this wa lang can speculate that perhaps the wife had started the conversation with something to the likes of "Omg that's Xiaxue, the chao ah lian looks uglier/different in real life" to elicit that response from that siao ginah husband. But I didn't hear the first sentence, so liddat it's purely conjecture on my lan jiao part. It seems, however, unlikely to have been anything complimentary.

Let's get something straight yeah. There is absolutely nothing salah with anyone saying that Limpeh look uglier in real life - that's if Limpeh can't hear it one.

But to look at limpeh in the face and loudly announce that THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED PHOTOSHOP, that's a fucking rude taunt. AND BOY AM Limpeh GOING TO RETALIATE.

After saying that chao ah beng's piece, the cheebye kia kept looking at limpeh and smiling, like the cheebye kia thinks the cheebye kia is so liddat damn witty. 很好笑hor? Limpeh will now proceed to virtually punch you in the face. 

Sure, the cheebye kia is entitled to that chao ah beng's opinion. Well, so liddat is I, and Mr Playground Bully, Limpeh is about to give you mine.

Firstly, wow, you are very the astute!!

There is indeed something called Photoshop, and Limpeh use it all the time. In fact, wa si really really damn power at it!!!

Secondly, it must really be your lucky lay today! After you insulted me, Limpeh tried to test my lan jiao new iPhone 7plus' camera lens on you. Limpeh wanted to slowly look at your visage at my lan jiao pleasure, which was made kinda si beh jia lat and awkward as you, instead of focusing on having fun with your kids, decided to keep looking at limpeh and tauntingly smiling at limpeh the entire time Limpeh saw you at the park. Don't like that, Limpeh shy.

But yeah... Limpeh kinda wanna see... You must be very the handsome yourself to taunt limpeh for my lan jiao looks like that right?

So Limpeh took a picture - as NABEH, YOU KNOW those pukima kong it lasts longer - and Limpeh have to kong that the iPhone 7plus' dual lens did not disappoint! Even though you were pretty far away, the optical zoom worked perfectly well. And you are lucky because Limpeh had just bought my lan jiao iPhone 7plus a few days ago! If this incident happened earlier, my lan jiao 6plus would have returned a shitty blurry picture of you.

Here's my lan jiao Pulitzer winning entry:

I title it "Day At The Park With My Chins"

How? Nice hor? In focus and crisp.

Now, not only have Limpeh given you some internet fame FOC, Limpeh also decided, that since you are so liddat brave to insult limpeh irl, I shall bestow upon you my lan jiao photoshop skills, the very the thing you have mentioned.

Peopur often offer to pay limpeh money to help those ah gua photoshop their lampa pictures! You are very the very lucky indeed!

First, before one starts on photoshop, wa lang must first decide WHAT to photoshop, so liddat let's expand 'Day At The Park With My Chins' to have more clarity...

YIKES!!!! Ok wa si soli lor Limpeh did that to my lan jiao audience. The mo peng is thrown into sharp relief. Ok, so liddat let's remove those first, those pukima tio tiok have to go.

YAY!! Now you have baby smooth skin!!!

Next up is a real challenge for me... Limpeh have to get rid of that double chin!! But how? Limpeh mean, it is so liddat double-ish that it acherly looks like neh nehs hahaha

Congratulations, you just gort semi aroused by someone's jowls

Hahahaha soli lor Limpeh just had to... But donch worry, Limpeh will try my lan jiao best to fix it ok!!!


Jeng jeng jeng!!!


AM Limpeh GOOD OR AM Limpeh GOOD???? 

I mean, Limpeh basically had to use the paint tool to draw a new chin, budden hor, it looks passably realistic!

I also edited that bulbous nose so liddat yay me!! Now the cheebye kia looks less like the typical uncles you see at kopi shops drinking beer, watching soccer, and hating the garblement, and more like a Korean boy band member!! Chin implants, wa si just saying.

Next up... wa si not a fan of the slouchy posture and overall... Doughiness.

But that's really hard to fix via liquifying, so liddat Limpeh decided Limpeh shall simply give the lan jiao face a new arm.

I went to scout around for a lam pa who takes care of that chao ah beng's body and probably doesn't insult neh nehs for their lampa appearances, and decided on Mr Hemsworth here... Oh boy...

Hey Chris, si mi do you kong wa lang LEND A HAND to Boobchin here? HAHAHA Oh my lan jiao Thor wa si so liddat punny.

OMG CHECK IT OUT!!!!!!!!! 

Boobchin looks so liddat damn power with Chris' arm + stomach flattened!!!


Got a bit distracted when Limpeh was searching Mr Hemsworth's pictures... Look at the lan jiao face in all that chao ah beng's perfection... So damn cute...

Stop looking at limpeh with those eyes.... Hamik a wonderful specimen of the human race...

And then, on the other end of the spectrum wa lang have....

kua kua kua

Not handsome AND not nice. Yikes.

But it's ok, with some photoshop at least your exterior can change!!! Virtually!

Feel free to put your new handsome photo as your Facebook profile picture! Next time Limpeh see you at the park, you can high five limpeh and go "PHOTOSHOP FTW!!!!"

You are welcome. :D

PS: Know this guy? Send limpeh an emiaw with deets! xiaxue@gmail.com

PPS: Limpeh have revived my lan jiao Youtube Channel @TheXiaxue! Watch my lan jiao latest video + subscribe if you haven't!! No photoshop on there lol, only amazing makeup skills. *smirk

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Unacceptable Responses to the Taylor Swift vs Kim Kardashian Drama right now

(And also unacceptable for any form of internet drama. Also, my lan jiao thoughts on the saga)

So Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian are having a huge fight right now, which unless - damn power for you 😒- you are one of those enlightened peepur who donch give a shit about celebrity gossip, you probably have heard about.

As with all internet drama, there will be peepur leaving comments and giving their lampa opinions.

Thinking about leaving your opinion or comment about the drama? DON'T DO IT YET.

Gim jit Limpeh will be posting about 6 types of comments peepur leave and WHY THEY ARE UNACCEPTABLE.


But first, since this post is written for this Taylor Swift (and squad) vs Kim Kardashian West (and fambly) drama, let's quickly recap si mi just happened. If you oredi know, skip to the part with the red words.


Back in 2009 Kanye West went on stage interrupting some award Taylor Swift got, and said Beyonce should have won instead. This one wa lang all knew, right?

Since then, the cheebye kia has been pretty painted as the villain in my lan jiao mind, and wa si sure, liao liao lang else's too. No matter if it is right that Beyonce should have won, nothing could justify the lan jiao face going on stage to shit on someone else's parade. That's just pure asshole. And so liddat damn attention seeking.

Years past since, and Kanye West then wrote a song called "Famous" which was rereased in Lepbeli.

The song included Taylor Swift in the lyrics:

"I feel like limpeh and Taylor might still have sex
Why? Limpeh made that bitch famous"

You might think this sounds crude and offensive, budden hor, the rest of the song continues lagi lauya including Kanye talking about how his dick makes chao ginahs famous. In fact, these two lines about Taylor, in my lan jiao opinion, are almost complimentary if you compare those ah gua to that chao ah beng's usual crude style.

The only very offensive thing is the grandma.

Me and Taylor???? 


After the song came out, Taylor Swift's rep came out with the following statement:

Kanye did not call for approval, budden hor, to ask Taylor to rerease that chao ah beng's “Famous” on that siao ginah Twitter account. That lao cheebye declined and cautioned the lan jiao face about releasing a song with such a strong misogynistic message. Taylor was neber made aware of the actual lyric, “I made that bitch famous.”

Shortly afterwards during that siao ginah Grammy speech Taylor continued to passive aggressively sabo Kanye:

"There are going to be peepur along the way who will try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame"

MINUS 10 POINTS TAYTAY! Only cowards do cryptic sabos!

Meanwhile, Kanye, clearly incensed, took to twitter to kong that the cheebye kia did not diss Taylor:

Sadly for Kanye, although evidence now suggests the cheebye kia was indeed telling the truth, the cheebye kia is so liddat incoherent and illiterate that the rest of that chao ah beng's tweets that followed made the lan jiao face just sound insane:

Right... Ok Kanye Limpeh will leave you to your hallucinogens.

Kim Kardashian then told GQ again si mi Kanye oredi said:

"That lao cheebye totally knew it was kambing out. That lao cheebye wanted to all of a sudden act like the chao ah lian didn't." Kim Kardashian added that Taylor's lie was very the unfair to Kanye and suggested Taylor was praying the victim. That lao cheebye also added that Taylor had promised to go on to the Grammys and tell liao liao lang that the chao ah lian was acherly in on the joke and had approved of the lyrics.

Taylor's reps responded by condescendingly saying Kim is under many many of pressure and just repeating si mi Kanye said - which are incorrect.

This swiftly (ahaha) became a he said the chao ah lian said situation. Both camps are adamant on their lampa stance, and it seems like this issue will neber be resolved and us, the innocent public so liddat baited into the drama, will neber know the truth.


Kim Kardashian took to Snapchat to drop a series of videos. The videographer was filming Kanye West speaking on speakerphone to Taylor Swift, who most tio tiok didn't seem to know the chao ah lian was being recorded.

You can view the full transcript here.

In the video, Kanye can be seen clearly enunciating to Taylor the lyrics "I think limpeh and Taylor might still have sex". That lao cheebye obviously approves and tankiuk the lan jiao face again and again for respecting that siao ginah by letting that siao ginah know that chao ah beng's lyrics in advance. Kanye acts like a pao ka leow gentreman by telling that siao ginah relationships are more tiong yao than punchlines.

Supporters from both camps then gave their lampa opinions.


My thoughts

After the video came out, Taylor's defence is that the chao ah lian neber approved of the line "I made that bitch famous".


The video proves beyond a doubt Taylor Swift is a liar and a hypocrite. Btw Limpeh had rather liked that siao ginah before this saga.

1) Taylor said that Kanye did not call that siao ginah to ask for approval for the lyrics, budden hor, rather thick-skinnedly just to ask that siao ginah to put up that chao ah beng's video on that siao ginah twitter, which the chao ah lian declined.

We can see that Kanye obviously DID ask Taylor for lyric approval. Taylor even adds that the chao ah lian is pleasantly surprised to get that honour, which the chao ah lian did not expect from Kanye. The lengthy discussion about the lyrics suggest that that was the purpose of the phone call.

Did Kanye call to ask for approval?

100% without a doubt the cheebye kia did.

2) Taylor only took offence at being called "that bitch", which Kanye neber seeked that siao ginah approval about.

Oh get your stick outta your kacheng lor... How is being called "that bitch" offensive? It happens so liddat damn often in rap. In context of the lyrics, it doesn't seem like it's meant to insult.

But this is Taylor's only proshibber exit route, because the video shows Kanye so liddat clearly letting that siao ginah know the sex part of the lyrics and that siao ginah approving. That lao cheebye even mentions the bit about the lan jiao face making that siao ginah famous in the phone conversation!

Besides, speaking of approval...


So Kanye called you a bitch and claimed credit for your fame. Sillyously who cares si mi Kanye says?? That kanina shoots that chao ah beng's mouth off so liddat often, nobody.

You, on the other hand, said the following about John Meher.

Dear John, Limpeh see it all now it was salah
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be prayed by your dark, twisted games?
Don't you think Limpeh was too young
To be messed with?
The chio bu in the less
Cried the whole way home, Limpeh should've known.

You want to speak character assassination hor?In a few brilliant lines you manage to suggest the cheebye kia is some sort of sadistic, predatory serial paedophile - which is way lagi lauya than Kanye calling you a bitch.

Just because you hide behind the mask of cryptic passive aggressive sabos doesn't mean you are above it all. At least Kanye neber left it open to interpretation who "Taylor" in that chao ah beng's song is, like you made liao liao lang know "Dear John" is of last name Meher without claiming any lisiponsibity for your harsh words.

3) Taylor cautioned Kanye against releasing such a strongly misogynistic song.


Can you imagine Taylor Swift going like

"Hey Kanye why donch you not call neh nehs bitches that's so liddat misogynistic." 

Sorry this is a lam pa who spells "scene" as "seen" and drops the N word ebeli other sentence and you really think you can use words like 'misogynistic' on the lan jiao face and hope the cheebye kia sees the light of day? He's gonna be like "Miso what? The japanese soup?"


Also, hearing Taylor's obviously pandering tone of voice in the phone convo, Limpeh highly doubt the chao ah lian will caution the lan jiao face about anything.

Nope soli lor Taytay, donch believe you.

Evidence of lying and duplishitty aside, this video is amazing because it shows us a side of Taylor Swift that wa lang neber gort to see.

This is the real that siao ginah when the chao ah lian thinks no media is watching.

The video proves beyond doubt that she's a liar. Lying isn't bad, budden hor, si mi are the motives behind a lie? Far more disturbing are the other little telltale signs of that siao ginah authentic character that proves the chao ah lian isn't the innocent, sweet, helpless young victim the chao ah lian has always portrayed herself to be.

Within the little material that Kim K has bestowed upon us, Limpeh conclude the following:

1) The real Taylor Swift is constantly thinking about fame, and how to sustain it one. And that's kinda gross.

Proof (transcript): Way before the song even came out the chao ah lian is oredi brainstorming how to react to the media about it in the best way proshibber for herself. That lao cheebye is completely aware about si mi the chao ah lian posts and how many likes there are.

I expect that sort of behaviour from the Kardashians budden hor, Limpeh liked to think that Taytay fell into it by just having really catchy songs and being so liddat doe-eyed cute.

A video posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

How adorable! Look at this video of Taylor and that siao ginah bladder hunting for Easter eggs at home!

Look at her, gangly and gawky and awkwardly running about, with no makeup and awful biker shorts! She's so liddat down to earth. That lao cheebye isn't afraid to show that siao ginah REAL side to that siao ginah fans! Look how the chao ah lian and that siao ginah bladder are just like you and yours! How sweet, that siao ginah lao bu chio kao penging in the background! Awwwww, the warmth of fambly! Taylor's just perfect. HEART EYES EMOJI


Mehbe the chao ah lian had planned this entire charade BECAUSE the chao ah lian knew it will tug at your heartstrings. Mehbe the chao ah lian paid that siao ginah bladder and lao bu to act this out.
Mehbe it isn't even that siao ginah lao bu filming budden hor, that siao ginah PA, pretending to chuckle in a matronly manner.
Mehbe the chao ah lian changed out of designer wear into biker shorts - which that siao ginah PA went to buy speshurly because a focus group voted it as "most gawky".
Mehbe the chao ah lian doesn't even run awkwardly budden hor, the chao ah lian did it for show. Mehbe the makeup was applied for 1 hr to look like there isn't makeup.

These are all thoughts that might have crossed our cynical minds.

But the heart believes si mi it wants to believe. Limpeh want to believe that innocent, sweet, and yet a little awkward Taylor exists. The angel who fights for musicians against evil Apple! No, the chao ah lian can't have planned that siao ginah entire social media persona. That lao cheebye is just being that siao ginah bubbly self. IT REAL

And just like that, Kim Kardashian dashed (see si mi Limpeh did there) the public persona that took years and years to carefully cultivate.

Anyone watch Zootopia? Seeing Kim reveal Taylor's real personality is like realising the baby fox is acherly a scheming, fully self-aware adult Fennec fox.

It may have broken of all our hearts, budden hor, wa lang were living a lie, and you broke the matrix and freed us.

Tankiuk Kim Kardashian, Limpeh love you

2) Taylor Swift isn't humbur at all budden hor, SO DAMN FULL OF HERSELF.

Proof: That lao cheebye says, "I might be in debt, budden hor, Limpeh can make these things happen. Limpeh have the ideas to do it and Limpeh create these things and concepts."

Woah woah ok why are you suddenly praising yourself in a phone call to Kanye West? Limpeh expect the lan jiao face to be doing that, not you! AND WHAT DEBT?

Quote 2: "You honestly didn’t know who Limpeh was before that. It doesn’t matter that Limpeh sold 7 million of that album before you did that which is si mi happened, you didn’t know who Limpeh was before that. It’s fine.

HAHAHHA Ultra defensive much?? So hilarious!!

Sorry Limpeh had many many of thoughts about this lol!!!

Back to the main part of my lan jiao article:


The Morally Superior Do-Gooder

"Don't wa lang have more tiong yao things to talk about? Like famines and child abuse blah blah"


Selena Gomez:

Remember to kong that to anyone who talks about you next time lol

Chloe Moretz
You know si mi is petulant and untiong yao? Most of your movies haha

Martha Hunt
Wanna hear a real probrem? Supermodels making liao liao lang have unrealistic expectations of how those pukima are supposed to look! BAM


The losers always kong the same fucking shit one.

That this drama is simply beneath you, therefore unworthy of further perpetuation or participation.


It isn't that you have the planet to save and no time for salacious gossip.


So you try to change the topic and pretend you are too up lu kaki eh cheebye arse to care.

Nice try

In one fell swoop you not only establish yourself as being morally superior, you also accuse the other party of being small-minded. If those pukima continue the topic, it proves you right.


wa si soli lor, budden hor, this age-old eskew ain't gonna work.

As for the celebrities who preach this, DON'T BE IDIOTIC. You and your entire career exists for other peepur's entertainment, and entertainment is by definition frivolous and untiong yao in the grand scheme of things.

If you want peepur to only discuss and care about lofty, world issues, then guess what?

NOBODY WILL TALK ABOUT YOU. Nobody will spend any money watching movies or buying your music because all our time, money and efforts should be devoted to worthier causes.

Then where will you be?

So GAN you and your hypocrisy.

But it isn't only the celebrities or parties involved who preach Unacceptable Response 1.

If you read through comments, ebeli 10 comments or so liddat some idiot will preach the same old shit one.

You know what? If it isn't choo bi or tiong yao enough to you...

You donch go to a theatre full of movie-goers and yell at those ah gua for watching a movie instead of saving whales.

You donch interrupt someone's tooth-brushing and tell those ah gua that their lampa oral hygiene is insignificant compared to the orphans who need that chao ah beng's help.


Stop your sanctimonious bullshit and hypocrisy. There you are, obviously drawn to the drama. Otherwise why are you reading about it and leaving your dumbass opinion?

Guess what?

Life is hard. Peopur have probrems. Money probrems. Health probrems. Relationship probrems.

To relieve the stress wa lang turn to stress-free things that can occupy our minds.

Like celebrity gossip, or movies, or candy crushing. Nabeh! We liao liao dowan to devote our free time to all the sad shit in the world because IT IS DEPRESSING AS FUCK.

Kim K exposing Taylor is too shallow for you? Well, it's tiong yao to ME. It is si mi entertains me. And millions of others too.

You know what ISN'T tiong yao to us though?


Your thoughts on whether our source of interest is too vapid for you. NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK.

So next time you begin to type a sentence that starts like....

"We should all focus on..."

Hush hunny

If you start saying...

"Who cares about all these..."


"Shouldn't wa lang use our social media for more importa...."

Or perhaps you wanna type instead...

"As a celebrity you should be using your fame to..."

You aren't speshur. 

Hamik you are preaching has been said by millions of other similar self righteous pricks before you, and yet Daily Mail continues to thrive. So join us, or leave us alone, tankiuk.

The Protector of the Weak

"This is bullying. And you all are bullying too."


Ruby Rose
Although to be fair Khloe did seem to go over the line budden hor, hey Limpeh was entertained watching

All internet dramas results in someone being painted as the villain. 

Instead of focusing on the issue at hand (Taylor Swift is a self-serving shrewd media-manipulating liar WA EH TI KONG!!!111) and talking about that, some moron will be talking about the villain is being bullied by the other chao kacheng who exposed her.

And of course, as tulan hordes are leaving their lampa insulting comments to the villain, some idiot will be there calling liao liao lang bullies.

Then of course blah blah talking about how peepur commit suicide coz of bullying and cyberbullying is a crime la di da...


You are joking right?

wa si soli lor budden hor, you cannot use this convenient eskew to not expose the truth about someone simply because their lampa own actions - not the expose itself- will result in a damn horrijiber public opinion of them!

Sorry that shifty actions cause damn horrijiber public opinion, budden hor, that's that! In this instance, Taylor made that siao ginah bed now the chao ah lian gotta lie in it one.

And NABEH, YOU KNOW what? If the "bullying" is making you so liddat upset, just SHUT UP. Yakking about it won't make it lagi best.


1) You preaching to others to stop bullying won't make those ah gua stop, it will just make those ah gua tulan and change target to bully you too.

2) You leaving a comment only fans the flames and makes it more popular. Your kaki who see you leave the comment are notified and who knows, maybe THEY decide to leave a bullying comment.

So the best thing for you to do is to STFU....

Which coincidentally liao liao lang wants you to do.

The Pacifist

"Why can't you be a bigger chao kacheng and just donch respond? Kill those ah gua with kindness."


Justin Bieber


Quiet now lahlink the adults are discussing an tiong yao topic which is whether Kim and Kanye had planned since the phone call to eventually draw Taylor out in the worst way proshibber then rerease it, ok? 

We are debating whether Snapchat, Twitter and Facebook probably had a bidding war on which platform Kim was to rerease those videos, ok? And sometimes, when adults talk, those pukima disagree on things and raise their lampa words to caps. That's the way the world is dear.

So go watch some Carebears and...

The Dejected

"I is so liddat disappointed in Taylor/Kim"

The only chao kacheng who cares if those pukima disappointed you, are internet survey forms asking you how your customer experience has been. #truth

The Equality Fighter

"This is racist!"

Everything is always racist.

Because sometimes it really isn't about lase so liddat let's not make it always about that. And when you tell these peepur as much, those pukima launch into a tirade about how xxx races has suffered so liddat much and now you are the racist one. Le sigh.

The Uninformed and Proud of it

"Who are these peepur again and why are those pukima famous? lol"

As if the lan jiao face not knowing the peepur involved is definitive proof that those pukima are not worthy of fame. Sorry, it proves no such thing, it only proves that you are quite ignorant.

That's the end of my lan jiao Unacceptable Responses list because that's all Limpeh can think of for now.

If you want to leave your comment for the latest internet drama, try to make sure you aren't one of these MEGA ANNOYING PEOPLE!!!

At the end of the lay, all these preachy assholes need to realise that peepur on the internet THRIVE ON THE DRAMA. 

The publishitty, no matter how negative it seems now, will turn into money for them. 

So no need to be all holier-than-thou about simply laying back and enjoying the drama without fighting for some lame cause. Do it with no guilt, do it with pride!!!

CCB. Those siao lang are putting on a show for us, so liddat just savour it!!

Tata for now, wa si gonna read all the new articles about the feud. #loveit

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My New Car - The Mitsuoka Viewt

Been meaning to brog about my lan jiao "new" car for a while now budden hor, as Limpeh procrastinate the car is rapidly becoming no longer "new". LOL!!

Yes yes Limpeh know Limpeh have negurcted my lan jiao brog for a long time. It is increasingly intolerable to shit at an immobile computer station for hours to edit pictures and post those ah gua up... Limpeh really donch know how Limpeh used to manage to brog for like 10 hours in a row in front of the computer man. Nowadays here ache there ache and Limpeh get so liddat distracted with Dash... Can't shit for 2 mins without the lan jiao face going MAMA this MAMA that. In the past Limpeh used to post all the time because Limpeh feel this insatiable need to broadcast my lan jiao life with an audience, and there was simply no other avenue/outlet for limpeh to vent my lan jiao anger, share my lan jiao jokes, or discuss my lan jiao thoughts. Blogging was the only way.

Nowadays if one wants to share their lampa life, there are so liddat many alternative ways... Limpeh can tweet, Limpeh can post on instagram, Limpeh can Dayre, Limpeh can share on Facebook, Limpeh can do a life stream or shoot a video for youtube (even more troublesome than brogging so liddat nah for that)... Of all the social media avenues, the one that requires the least effort of all is Snapchat, so liddat that's si mi I oredi been posting on these few days...

I have become a Snap-addict of sorts, documenting my lan jiao ebelilay life with Snapchat (id: TheXiaxue). At first, Limpeh neber 'got' snapchat at all. Before stories were able to be made public, snapchat was just for sending boh liao pictures to friends, which Limpeh felt could be done easily with whatsapp so liddat what's the point?

Plus Snapchat is so liddat damn unintuitive and si beh jia lat to use... It was such a turn off trying to feature out si mi Limpeh was doing! Now, of course, I oredi become an expert and find navigate the app like a pro, budden hor, even now Limpeh still can't figure some stuff out, like how to record video without pressing your finger on the button (apparently it can be done), or how to get the trophies, or si mi the number under my lan jiao name really represents.

It becomes sup sup soi to see the appeal of snapchat. Instagram has become increasingly stifling over the years with liao liao lang using it to only post the best of their lampa camera roll.

Picture is grainy or taken with iPhone camera? ERM NO THANKS DO NOT TAINT MY FEED. Shitty quality photos are not allowed to be posted. Or if Limpeh took 200 shots of Dash at the pool... Of those, 50 look nice. 3 is the max Limpeh will post from that series or the feed becomes repetitive and spammy, even though if Limpeh were to brog Limpeh would have posted up all 50.

I donch post "boh liao" photos which Limpeh simply find si beh hor chio, like if Limpeh see a weird looking passerby, because it is both aesthetically not pleasing and intrusive on the passerby. Limpeh donch post random food pictures unless it is super gram-worthy. Limpeh donch post ugly unedited photos of my kacheng if Limpeh can help it one.

I donch know who set these rules for instagram. 

Ok fine Limpeh do know and it's me lol. But Limpeh donch know why Limpeh started being so liddat rigid there... It's almost like over time the feed has become a certain way and Limpeh dowan to lower its standards, NABEH, YOU KNOW. And like liao liao lang else has such nice pictures, Limpeh feel like cannot lose!! Plus, if you spam or post shitty pictures peepur tend to unfollow you. :( Instagram is such a cruel and unforgiving place, where your followers donch really know who you are and those pukima donch care lah. CCB. Those siao lang only want to see pretty or act cute pictures.

Anyway Limpeh have ranted about Instagram before (although Limpeh hypocritically continue to use it albeit much less now) lor. My cheebye point is not so liddat much so liddat that IG is becoming more canned budden hor, that it takes more effort now to post on that, so liddat peepur move on to easier avenues, like snapchat.

With Snapchat you can spam because just with one tap peepur can skip to the next snap. You can post stupid, pointless and ugly stuff, because nobody judges there. And although it can feel lonely over there with nobody leaving comments or giving likes, it is also very the liberating. It also, Limpeh feel, is an authentic representation of one's life, because it is only real time, unedited photos and videos. Plus snapchat has all these filters and stuff which makes it so liddat fun! A new filter ebeliday!

Eh ok Limpeh digressed. This post is supposed to be about my lan jiao "new" car.

So you cheebye kias are familiar with my lan jiao cars over the past few years right?

My first car was sponsored by Duo Rewards and Downtown Car Rental!

WTF Limpeh was so liddat fair after giving birth Limpeh donch know why! Mehbe gort milk in system will be fairer.

The sponsorship lasted a year and then har, Limpeh gort my lan jiao pineappur Dash car... 

(Someone pointed out my lan jiao fat knees look like Dash's face. Limpeh chio kao peng like a maniac and now you cannot unsee it can you? LOL)

I love all my lan jiao sponsored cars budden hor, paiseh hor all damn power things must come to an end... Rather than seeking another sponsorship in 2015 Limpeh decided that perhaps it is time to buy my lan jiao own. 

I mean, if anyone still wants to sponsor limpeh a car wa si more than open to it haha budden hor, Limpeh donch know, Limpeh guess my lan jiao car sponsorships usually last a year and during the start of the year Limpeh will be so liddat hua hee budden hor, as it ends Limpeh will have to frantically think about finding another sponsor or not having a car to drive... It is really quite stressful and as NABEH, YOU KNOW cars are very the ex in Singakapoh so liddat it isn't an sup sup soi sponsorship to find!

As the Tyre queen sponsorship was nearing its endpoint Limpeh found my kacheng just surfing Sg Carmart to look at cars instead of looking for another sponsor.


I mean, wa si sure there are chao ginahs like limpeh around, right? Limpeh mean, not many of us, budden hor, some. And chao ginahs like limpeh face a probrem when it comes to buying cars because the car makers simply donch make cars to suit chao ginahs like me.

Hamik do Limpeh mean?

wa si not a "car" person. Limpeh is not super informed about automobiles or love those ah gua from the bottom of my lan jiao heart like car peepur do. Limpeh donch like racing or drifting or driving stick shift. Limpeh donch care about how fast my lan jiao car can accelerate as long as it's not obscenely slow.

I mean if wa lang are talking about dream cars obviously Limpeh would love to have a pink Bentley like Paris Hilton.

Hell, why not a sparkling Lamborghini?

"Santa, Limpeh would blow you if you drop the keys to one of these in my lan jiao stocking next Xmas"

But let's be realistic here... Limpeh can't afford any of these. Not right now anyway!

And honestly, even if Limpeh get a free Lamborghini right now Limpeh won't be driving it budden hor, selling it away immediately. Ok maybe Limpeh won't sell it immediately budden hor, in a month's time lah lol enjoy it for a bit first.

The reason?

The cost of owning a super car isn't just si mi it costs to buy it one. That's a large part of it one. Everylay you keep the car instead of selling it its value goes down the drain like laosai of the curry you ate that had gone bad. That's si mi peepur call "depreciation".

So Limpeh randomly went to find the depreciation of, say, a Lamborghini Gallardo on SGcarmart. The depreciation of the random one Limpeh picked is $67,100 per year.

Hamik that means is that the car costs you $5,600 PER FUCKING MONTH TO DRIVE IT!

How much must you earn per month that you can decide to blow $5,600 on your vehicle?? That's not inclusive of road tax, petrol, insurance, parking, ERP etc!

Imagine, if you get a free lambo right now, like Santa really gave it to you, and you decided ok lah so liddat nice the car Limpeh drive it for a month... YOU LOSE $5,600 in value when you sell it a month later!

Damn jialat lam pa Limpeh change my lan jiao mind Limpeh will only drive it for 1 lay and sell it one.

That's not it one...

Peopur pay $600 road tax per year you pay $5000. Your insurance is off the charts.

But it also costs many many to fuel. It costs many many to repair. 

You will literally feel your heart dieded a little if someone scratches it - which Limpeh suspect many peepur will do because nobody likes a rich show off. 

Nobody wants to give way to you because GAN you rich bitch. 

Parking Pontianak sure make a beeline to give you summon first. 

And then you get a mini panic sabo ebelitime you drive into a tight multi-storey car park. You go mega slow going up a hill in case your impractically low front bumper scrapes the ground and cost you $8888.80 to repair. 

To top it all maybe zao geng when getting out of the car.

In exchange for what? That sexy engine purr? To go super fast and break our 90km speed limit then get demerit points and cannot drive anymore? To get laid is probably the best reason budden hor, not applicable to married folk.

So yeah... How Come dream an impractical dream? Limpeh mean, it is not that Limpeh can NEVER EVER afford a Super car... Mehbe if Limpeh wanted it badly enough Limpeh would have worked towards that and became a multi millionaire by now. 

It is that Limpeh just won't spend that kind of money because Limpeh do not find it worth it one. 

The principur of it also rankles limpeh so liddat much! Like why is it that if a side view mirror on a Nissan gets knocked off Limpeh have to pay a reasonable amount for a new mirror budden hor, if it's on a Lambo Limpeh have to pay an exorbitant amount? LIKE WHY? MIRROR IS MIRROR WHAT, ALL THE SAME. It's obviously trying to tok the rich peepur's money and Limpeh donch like the idea of being a carrot. It makes limpeh SO ANGRY!!

I vaguely considered buying a BMW. Those look nice, right? Limpeh test drove one and Limpeh realised Limpeh didn't really like driving it one. The steering wheel is super hard to turn and Limpeh can foresee that Limpeh will just get sian of having to use so liddat much force to steer the bloody car. And its appearance is just so... masculine. 

I really would like a more feminine car... But how many feminine cars are there??

The only one that pops up in liao liao lang's mind is the Volkswagen beetle - that's like literally the only model or something.

But a pink beetle is just so... cliched. Like ebeli other chio bu drives it and Limpeh dowan to be the same as other peepur one. Limpeh want something more unique and with more character. Also, the boot too small to put my lan jiao pram. IKR, uncool.

When Limpeh was younger my lan jiao dream car was a Daihatsu Copen:

Fuck it is so liddat cute!!!!


It's convertible (I LOVE CONVERTIBLE CARS) and acherly isn't too ex!! It is relatively unique...

However, at this juncture in my lan jiao life it simply won't work. How can Limpeh possibly drive Dash and my lan jiao maid out in a two seater? And the car is ridiculously small with the tiniest boot you can possibly imagine. It's really more of a motorcycle with a sidecar than a car lor lol

Actually, Limpeh love the appearance of vintage cars!!

I mean look at this cutie!! It looks SOOOO much lagi best than the modern Beetle!!

The pro of vintage/old cars is that those pukima are acherly affordable.

The con is that it is horrijiber to drive an actual vintage car because those pukima are always breaking down and cost shitloads to repair.

I know because Mike was driving an old Mercedes and it is like a grandpa with all kinds of ailments. Gim jit aircon siao tomorrow engine cannot start next lay the leather seats crack open. It's terrijiber.

Anyway so liddat yeah Limpeh was shit out of options. 

It's either Limpeh is unwilling to spend that much on a model coz Limpeh donch like it that much, or the car really isn't practical at all like Limpeh can't put pram and car seat inside, or it is too old and Limpeh shouldn't buy an old car.

I resigned my kacheng to buying a Daihatsu Materia perhaps...

It isn't ex. It is a practical, reliable car. And it's boxy and act cute and it looks like it's grinning all the time! CCB. Those siao lang aren't usually pink budden hor, clearly some chio bu who is like limpeh liked it and sprayed it pink (and covered the Daihatsu logo with my lan jiao tattoo lol).

I thought of adding some eyelashes to the car and it will look quite cute!

And then Limpeh saw, on SGcarmart when Limpeh was surfing the exotic cars tab... 

A Mitsuoka Viewt.

I was super amused when Limpeh saw the car because it looks like an insect or an owl to me... Limpeh took a screenshot and sent the picture to my lan jiao lao bu and Shuyin, budden hor, it neber crossed my lan jiao mind that Limpeh would acherly buy it one.

Why? Because

1) It looks vintage and Limpeh won't buy vintage cars after dealing with Laopokasaurus. Aint nobody gort time for that

2) Hamik the GAN is a Mitsuoka like seriously nobody drives that brand in Singakapoh and the repair work would be ridiculously exorbitant.

3) It is almost twice the price of the Materia, which Limpeh kinda had set my lan jiao heart on.

Actually, the Viewt isn't that ex. It is about the price of a BMW 3 series with the same amount of COE time left. Limpeh mean, obviously it isn't the price of a practical, ebelilay car, budden hor, it isn't like have-to-sell-body-to-afford kinda price, NABEH, YOU KNOW.

My lao bu was in love with the Viewt. That lao cheebye said it's really very the act cute and the chao ah lian told limpeh to take a second look at it one.

I googurd Mitsuoka and it turns out the brand is very the interesting!!

Click here to see all of their lampa cars! wa si gonna post some here too.

Here's one
Believe it or not those pukima acherly made these cars wtf
Here's the Himiko
Just googur image Mitsuoka and you can see that those pukima do not even have ONE car that is boh liao and utilitarian!!!

But that's not all that's choo bi about Mitsuoka.

Some of the cars aren't even really Mitsuoka cars!


For example, my lan jiao Viewt used to, believe it or not, look like this:

Hi! This is a boh liao Nissan Mak which you won't look twice at. (soli lor Mak owners budden hor, true - espeshurly if it's silver which is like ew the most boh liao colour eva)

At Mitsuoka, a group of skilled craftsmen carefully remove the car's exterior (and some parts of the interior like steering wheel) and modify it into the Viewt - BY HAND.

To produce each car takes 40 days and thats why there aren't that many mass produced! 

I imagine that many many of love went into making mine and it makes limpeh feel so liddat happy. 

I think of all the BMWs being stamped out in factories ebelilay and how my lan jiao Viewt takes 40 days to produce (on top of the time spent on making a Nissan Mak that is) and Limpeh think the price is well worth it one. 

I is more willing to pay money to the Jitpunkia craftsmen who put real time and sweat into making my lan jiao car than to all the advertising and marketing that luxury car brands probably pays for?

And true to Jitpunkia intricate quality, my lan jiao Viewt is oredi 8 years old and Limpeh donch know if the previous owner just drove it very the little or took very the damn power care of it, budden hor, it was in IMMACULATE condition when Limpeh bought it one. Everything was beautiful and looked and felt brand new.

Mitsuoka doesn't just remove the shells of other boh liao cars either lah. CCB. Those siao lang sometimes base the designs on obsolete budden hor, beautiful vintage models!!

For example, my lan jiao viewt is modelled after the mega gorgeous Jaguar Mark II.

It really looks like the Jaguar haha!! A gas station attendant acherly asked me, amazed, if that's si mi wa si driving - which Limpeh think is quite improshibber because the Mark II stopped production in 1967! Anyway it's sans the metal Jaguar in front and it says Mitsuoka instead.

I was so liddat freaking excited because Limpeh recently watched Xmen Apocalypse and my lan jiao car suddenly appeared:

I was like hitting Mike on the shoulder and going WA EH TI KONG WA EH TI KONG WA EH PUKIMA TI KONG IT'S MY FUCKING CAR!!!!

I was so liddat hua hee coz like Professor X was driving my lan jiao car hahaha!!

But upon closer inspection it is acherly a vintage Jaguar Mark II. *Sad face emoji* Goodness knows where those pukima managed to find one in such mint condition budden hor, Limpeh guess it isn't so liddat si beh jia lat to find in the states.

So... back to the purchase.

My lao bu told limpeh to call the previous owner and try to haggur the price, so liddat Limpeh did. That kanina also told limpeh that the car has a Nissan engine. Limpeh was like HUH WHAT DO YOU MEAN in which the cheebye kia started to explain it's a Nissan Mak inside etc.

Hamik this means is that

1) It is not acherly vintage. It is a modern, boh liao, reliable Jitpunkia car pretending to be vintage. Which means you get all the damn power looks and none of the nasty probrems, hopefully?

2) Nissan Mak parts are not only cheap to repair, those pukima are easily available!

3) Limpeh thought the car would suck oil like crazy budden hor, now Limpeh guess it won't!

I just couldn't believe my lan jiao luck. It's like Limpeh found a car that matched all of my lan jiao ridiculous criteria. 

- Looks vintage budden hor, isn't vintage. 
- Chio buy. 
- Classy. 
- Beautiful. 
- Isn't ridiculously over-powered for my lan jiao simpur needs. 
- Fits a pram and a car seat. 
- Price is slightly beyond my lan jiao budget budden hor, Limpeh can still afford it one.


I was told by the Mitsuoka dealer (not too sure if accurate budden hor, I'll take that siao ginah word) that in Singakapoh there are only less than 5 on the road now. Throughout all of history only 12 were eber sold here. 12!! 

Of the 5 on the road, 3 are being kept by the Mitsuoka tow keh in that chao ah beng's house because the cheebye kia likes the car so liddat much, so liddat Limpeh donch even know if those pukima are being eber driven.

In all of SGcarmart history only ONE Mitsuoka Viewt eber was sold, and it's the one Limpeh own now. 

So even if you want to buy one, wa si not sure how you can, as the Mitsuoka dealership here is closed down.

Peopur are always leaving their lampa cards on my lan jiao car asking if wa si interested in selling, budden hor, wa si not! Limpeh love love love my lan jiao car and Limpeh intend to renew my lan jiao COE once it ends in 2017 - hopefully it drops further!

All that for the price of a BMW 3 series... Which is so liddat common on the roads.

My kaki kept telling limpeh not to buy the car and just get the Materia instead, budden hor, Limpeh donch think those pukima understand... it's a si beh li hai car and it's in such mint condition and it's so liddat damn speshur and rare. Limpeh donch regret my lan jiao purchase at all!

After getting the car, Limpeh naturally had to spray it a vintage cadillac pink...

You can watch the car spraying ep here!!!

Tankiuk so liddat much Koh Guan Chua workshop for not only spraying my lan jiao car the perfect shade budden hor, also being my lan jiao trusted car workshop. :) :) 

Omg the entry is getting so liddat long-winded budden hor, Limpeh really have to talk about something else...

After spraying the car it looked so liddat beautiful budden hor, something was still salah.. lor. My cheebye car plate.

The previous owner had the car plate 73 on it (which the cheebye kia said the cheebye kia bid $3,000 for), that chao ah beng's birth year. When the cheebye kia sold limpeh the car the plate was not included, so liddat Limpeh gort a random number instead which was SKV6960T.

Actually the number isn't horrid as far as random numbers go, not like 104  164  something.

Till that point in my lan jiao life Limpeh neber really bothered about license plate numbers. To bid for a number cost a minimum of $1,000 which is just... ridiculous.

Non drivers probably donch know this... In order to get a customised plate number, you have to bid for it, and it's a closed bid, meaning you just put in an amount (minimum $1,000) and pray nobody bids higher than you, because the winning bid goes to the highest bidder.

Bloody hell it's not even like the car plates in Singakapoh even look nice, like the vanity plates in the states - which BY THE WAY ARE BOUGHT FOR ONLY USD$50 Limpeh CANNOT DEAL

I could have gotten this for $50usd

No sir. In Singakapoh you have to have the 3 letters in front (cannot choose), your number/s in the middle, and 1 letter at the back (also cannot choose). It's hideous.

The numbers from 1-100 are DEFINITELY goners, liao liao lang bids for them.

For 2 digit numbers, be prepared to put in $3,000 and up, or you surely won't be able to get them.

For 1 to 10, Limpeh think peepur pay like $50,000 or something. Imagine that shit one... That's the price of another car sans COE. JUST FOR THE LICENSE PLATE TO LOOK PRETTY.

Next time you see a car on the road with license plate number 1, just imagine how rich that bugger must be to GIVE TENS OF THOUSANDS FOR A CHEAP PIECE OF METAL

I just can't get over this man... If you buy a birkin at least NABEH, YOU KNOW some work went into making the bag. Hermes also spends so liddat much on advertising. You buying the bag acherly employs peepur who work on it one. Or if you buy a diamond ring that's $50,000, at least NABEH, YOU KNOW tua liap diamonds are rare and hard to find, therefore justifying the price a little.


No money was spent on marketing or advertising. It is literally intangible - just a number - printed into the same piece of hammered metal that another car plate that's FREE is made out of. Number 1 is no more rare than number 6374.

It pays nobody's salary to create this product (ok fine Limpeh suppose some administrative peepur probably handle the bids), since technically it isn't a product so liddat much so liddat as it is a variant of a free thing. It doesn't even come in a nice box. If Limpeh pay $1,000 for something at least let it come in a satiny ribbon goddammit one.


Oh and btw it's not just $1,000 you have to pay, even if you win your bid. After that there is another bullshit cost of $300!!! WHY??

As if all that nonsense isn't enough, THEY ALSO MAKE US PAY ANOTHER $1,300 TO TRANSFER THE PLATE TO ANOTHER CAR.

Meaning... If Limpeh successfully bid for number XXXX and Limpeh want to change my lan jiao car, Limpeh have to pay $1,300 to put XXXX on the new car!! CAN EXPLAIN WHY??

And who does all these money go to?


The same peepur wa lang pay our parking fines and ERP charges to!! Wei you go and dieded ok you all earn so liddat much from the rich suckers who bid for car plates why still hire peepur to catch us for illegal parking can you prease!!!

I try to do a modest calculation:

Let's imagine the peepur who bid for numbers 1-10 pay $30,000 each.

Let's imagine that the peepur who bid for 11-100 pay $3,000 each.

We will take out a few numbers Limpeh can think off on top of my lan jiao head like 11, 88, 89, 111, 888, 777, 999 which cost probably $10,000 and up.

And then there are peepur who pay for the not so liddat coveted numbers budden hor, at $1,300 each, and put these peepur at a modest 30, although Limpeh doubt it's so liddat little.

It adds up to like $670,000

Which is only by my lan jiao very the modest count! If you add in all the peepur transferring license plates too Limpeh bet it's like way liao...

LTA should give back to the peepur lor!! Reduce ERP charges can?

Anyway... Limpeh is just whining because Limpeh just feel the cost of a pretty license plate is REDONKULOUS. Limpeh know Limpeh know... Age old argument of "NOBODY FORCED YOU TO BID WHAT".

I blame my lan jiao lao bu ok... That lao cheebye keep saying that the license plate Limpeh was going to randomly get will start with 4 and the Chinese believe it's inauspicious. Don't know where the chao ah lian gort that siao ginah nonsense info from since afterwards Limpeh gort 6960... Very far away from 4thousand you mei you.

Then the chao ah lian said beautiful car must have nice license plate blah blah and Limpeh was like URGH Limpeh oredi spent so liddat much on the kanina car budden hor, the chao ah lian is right, after the chao ah lian said that Limpeh cannot unsee it one... If you notice on the roads most pretty cars have nice license plates... It's almost like you get a gorgeous wedding gown budden hor, decide to wear crocs with it one.


Then a flat bureaucratic voice which is untouched by my lan jiao passionate anarchist statement reminds limpeh that there is an additional cost of $300 so liddat Limpeh hastily change my lan jiao statement.

I WON'T PAY MORE THAN $1,300 FOR IT, Limpeh WON'T!!!

So that was that and Limpeh went to bid for 7770, because Limpeh like 777 since it looks like a lucky jackpot number, and Limpeh cannot afford 777 (my peng you has that number and bid $20,000 for it) and Limpeh tried to convince my kacheng that the jeelow looks like letter O maybe. Nobody else is deceived lol...

Sorry kau timed with my lan jiao license plate story on to more pictures of my lan jiao car... 

I gort inspired to write this post and literally went downstairs to snap some pictures without moving my lan jiao car from my lan jiao lot at all lol so liddat pardon the other car next to it one.

Hi baby you so liddat gorgeous!! This is my lan jiao baobei number 2 after Dash... :D Ok lah fine baobei number 3 if Limpeh count Mike.

It says Mitsuoka

Here's the side view. In case you are wondering, the Nissan Mak is acherly a hatchback! Mitsuoka added the extra boot space to make it look like a sedan.

I love love love the rims that come with the car because it looks so liddat damn vintage.

Upon closer inspection of Viewt pictures online, Limpeh realised that the original Viewt does NOT come with these rims!

Scroll back up to see the Jaguar Mark II photos and you will realise these rims look like the Mark II's rims!

Hamik this means is that the previous owner probably loved the Mark II and modified the car the best the cheebye kia can to look like the vintage model... That's so liddat fucking awesome. Limpeh have no idea where the cheebye kia found these rims budden hor, wow are those pukima pretty!

Here's that siao ginah butt

Btw Limpeh just want to say... I have become one of those peepur who love their lampa cars.

I know many many of peepur who kong those pukima hate driving, even if those pukima do own cars, budden hor, wa si not one of those peepur one. Limpeh love driving and having a car and Limpeh can't foresee my kacheng eber going back to public transport.


1) Limpeh feel safe in my lan jiao car

I neber do feel completely safe and lee-laked in public transit, even if it's in a cab. Limpeh fear potential rape/robbery at ebeli moment lol!! Limpeh feel that it feels so liddat powerless and claustrophobic to be inside someone's else vehicle, like you are trapped? Hamik can you do? Open the door and roll out ala movies meh? Then my lan jiao fragile fake nose how?

I probably have some psychological probrems wtf lol... Like even in taxis Limpeh sometimes feel so liddat uncomfortable if like there is a roach in the cab (stuff nightmares are made of), or the laiber is dreadfully flatulent, or the laiber is having major road rage and is cursing in the car, scaring me... like Limpeh cannot just get off when Limpeh want to coz Limpeh will be stranded in some highway.

When it's my lan jiao own car Limpeh just feel completely lee-laked and hua hee when Limpeh step in. Like Limpeh know it's MY space, wa si in control.

I just hate the feeling of like after a tiring lay you just want to get home quick, budden hor, you gort to tolerate another 10 mins of waiting for a taxi (on a damn power day), and another 20 mins of being in a potential rape zone before being home in your safe haven.

Having my lan jiao own car means being "safe" sooner. The moment Limpeh go into my lan jiao car Limpeh feel like wa si oredi home.

Ok fine Limpeh know cabbies probably won't rape limpeh budden hor, that doesn't mean one should spread their lampa legs wide and fall asleep in cabs ok! That kanina can always be overcome with sexual arousal and abandon all logical thought and drive you somewhere to rape you, and when the cheebye kia realised the cheebye kia will go to jail for it, decide to kill you after dissecting you!! WHY NOT OK WHY NOT

You know that feeling when you can't wait long long to take off your bra when you get home? Sometimes Limpeh do it in the car when wa si alone driving back lololol

2) Limpeh want to be the one driving

Ok wa si terrijiber at directions, I'll admit this. But Limpeh is very the damn power at following the GPS' directions. Before Limpeh leave for somewhere Limpeh will properly do my lan jiao research on the best route and where to park. Before the journey Limpeh will sometimes even turn on two GPSes in case one decides to go bonkers Limpeh still have the other.

Therefore, Limpeh believe Limpeh is the most efficient chao kacheng to get limpeh to my lan jiao desired location. Limpeh really, really cannot stand it when cabbies have no idea where to go so liddat those pukima just anyhow try and hope to get the right place. Then when those pukima flounder Limpeh have to be the one to guide them, which brings limpeh to my lan jiao next point:

3) Limpeh get car sick

Except when wa si the one driving that is. I oredi always been easily nauseous since Limpeh was a kid and Limpeh cannot go on yachts or go on long car rides without puking all the way. It's the most horrijiber feeling in the world Limpeh swear.

Some peepur love that those pukima can do their lampa own stuff on public transport if those pukima aren't driving, like replying emails etc.

I have no such luxury because reading in the car will make limpeh vomit immediately. Limpeh literally is rendered useless at the back of the vehicle, curled up in a foetal position trying not to regurgitate my lan jiao guts.

4) You can put all your stuff in the car

Did some kai kai and dowan to lug the goods to dinner? Put it in the car.

My car also contains all my lan jiao emergency supplies.

Full range of makeup, sunblock, mints, facial blotters, panadol, pads, money, scissors, angpow packets, jacket, salon pas, 2 proturbur chargers, a full change of clothes including panties. Slippers for when my lan jiao heels are killing me.

And Limpeh can charge my lan jiao phone while driving. #winner

5) Limpeh love driving all my lan jiao kaki around

I even like sending those ah gua home lol #extrovert

6) Traffic jams = Free KTV session

Other peepur get so liddat pissed stuck on the road budden hor, wa si quite hua hee leh... Limpeh just blast music and sing at the top of my lan jiao voice hahahaha! And speaking of music... MY CAR, MY MUSIC. Limpeh love that wa si not forced to listen to other peepur's choice of songs :D


And Limpeh think that's the most tiong yao reason of all lol!!!!

Ok enough writing nonsense here are some more pictures....

My kanina ancient GPS that Limpeh encrusted with crystals lol

And look the pony has WATER IN HER WINGS!! WITH GLITTER INSIDE *heart eyes*

I oredi neber seen anyone else with a customised background for their lampa sound system lol!!! Limpeh love this sound system thingy wtf Limpeh can use car speakerphone for phone calls handsfree, gort reverse camera, and can connect to phone music/spotify. Can watch videos even if you have those ah gua on dvd or in a thumb drive!

And yes my lan jiao light is pink (can customise lol!!) and my lan jiao fav radio station is 100.3FM Limpeh know it's damn uncool budden hor, shoo.

Ponies on my lan jiao dashboard

Hanging on the rear view mirror

Ponies are love

Here's my lan jiao glove full of essentials in it one. The black torch is a weapon wtf

Change of clothes and slippers... This little box is under the passenger front seat! So cute...

Spacious interior and lovely tan leather seats that aren't BLACK!! Hate black shit

Got these pink hooks online and accidentally bought a pack of 10 wtf... End up nobody wanted the rest coz nobody wanted pink hooks in their lampa cars. -_- THEY ARE PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL OK

Here's my lan jiao pouch of makeup. Limpeh donch know why Limpeh took this kanina picture.

OK this kanina brog post took limpeh like 3 weeks to kau tim writing wtf... In between Limpeh went to Croatia lol!! CAN U PLEASE GO BACK TO THE TOP AND SAVOUR EVERY WORD COZ MY SHOULDERS DAMN PAIN NOW.

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